VERY ANXIOUS

I find myself writing this because I cannot sleep. Today during my nap I was interrupted by a very strange person at my front door.

I do not make it a practice, because of my anxiety to answer the door unless I know exactly who a person is, or I am expecting them in one way or another.

Needless to say, after about 15 minutes or so the man refused to leave so I finally demanded that he provide me with identification and let me know what he wanted or I was going to call the local public safety municipality.

The stranger refused to do so and instead laughed out loud saying that He had some documents for a person that was supposed to be at my address. I instructed him that this was not the case. He began to ask me questions of a very personal nature and so I called the public safety officer.

She was very helpful and I filed an incident report. Public Safety has instituted additional patrols and monitoring of my residence because the stranger made an intimidating statement that was interpreted as a possible violation of the Wisconsin Hate Crimes legislation.

While everyone agrees that I did the correct thing I find myself very uncomfortable in such circumstances and so the result is that I have incredible insomnia.

All is well, and everyone is safe but it just brought back some memories of a time when I was a victim of a Hate Crime and the difficulties I went through to overcome the experience.

I am going to do some reading I think and attempt to calm my mind with some writings from Mrs. Mary Baker Eddy. I will be seeing my therapist tomorrow and have elected to submit this information to my physician.

I have also been trying to follow my nutritional plan in an effort to reduce some of the weight I gained over the winter when I was under the weather. I feel like that is harder than I wish it would be - but I am not going to give up.

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"The perfect no-stress environment is the grave. When we change our perception we gain control. The stress becomes a challenge, not a threat. When we commit to action, to actually doing something rather than feeling trapped by events, the stress in our life becomes manageable." - Greg Anderson

FLARE UP

Last night I went to bed and couldn't sleep well at all. I should say that it started the night before I had to take my panic medication because the person I live with had hit a boulder with the vehicle on the way out of a parking lot and so the result was that we had an unfortunate and rather lengthy disagreement.

My roommate is fine and there was no real damage to the car expect I have some things to work on with touch - up paint and no one was hurt. But in all retrospect someone very well could have been, which looking back is most likely the reason why I was so disagreeable.

The relative that I called was very helpful because I was rather stressed.

Anyway I digress, the Flare - up was very bad! It felt as if my skin was boiling off and for the first time ever I discovered that my coxix appears to have become arthritic. If I didn't know any better I would have thought that I broke it in my sleep it hurt so bad!

Needless to say, my arthritis had made me well aware of the fact that I was suffering from both it and Fibromyalgia.

I think I am depressed about some of the pain today and how I feel so old. I am working on a posting for a new pain management technique I am trying that is based in the writings of the late Mrs. Mary Baker Eddy.

I will also be sharing some new thoughts on my attempt at self acceptance...like I said before I believe there is much that depresses me and so this week is hard but I am mindful of my dog who makes me feel so in touch with the inner light of my Infinite Mind.

I think this is because my Dog views me as special only to her in a way that the world does not often give me a chance to provide insight. People in general can be so rude and I cherish the people whom I keep in touch with!

I have heard so many wonderful things from people who read my blog that it always manages to brighten me up. I do miss my friend Lynda from Illinois. I thought of her allot today because she has Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and even though I never got a chance to get to know her well, she speaks so uplifting that I truly view her as a cherished friend. Perhaps more than she will ever come to realize.

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"In addition to my other numerous acquaintances, I have one more intimate confidant. My depression is the most faithful mistress I have known -- no wonder, then, that I return the love." - Soren Kierkegaard

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THANK YOU !

Today, I write this bitter sweet, for I receive my new therapist and transition from the therapist ereritus to the therapist elect.

While I am uncertain as to who it is...I await with great anticipation the fresh inviguration of the future, while ever apprecitive of the past and mindful of the founder Dr. Goodall to whom the cornerstone of my success and advancement is to be credited.

I will never forget the contributions of Dr. Orman (ret.) who discovered my diognosis, nor the long line of professionals who for the last Thirteen years have molded me into the person I am today.

These people: Dr. Orman, Dr. Wellens, Dr. Moraski, Dr. Goodall, and Lauren have made it a blessing to be disabled in a world which gives many of us the complex of inferiority.

I have only one thing to say and that is "Thank you"! to all of you. Most especially to Lauren who, is to be credited for assisting me almost daily along with Dr. Moraski during my recent emotional breakdown last Autumn.

If it wouldn't have been for the medical support of Dr. Moraski who provided me will all of the medical support I needed to make it, and Lauren who provided the safe space of therapy, my world would not have transformed itself into what it is today.... a Changed One!

I now look at life although with O.C.D. I feel it more connectivity than I did before. While I still have a huge way to go, I now have the mental stamina to take things more as they come with a sense of mindful introspection and less destructive pessimism.

My debt to all of you is enormous, and the Nation needs to thank its lucky stars for people who serve the under insured because there are not many professionals who take the time to care for those who are in my position.

" The best part of beauty is that which no picture can express. - Francis Bacon

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SAD BUT STILL FOCUSED

Today was difficult as my arthritis seems to be presenting itself as a challenge which I may not be able to do anything but live with.

I was lonely and thinking about my future most of the day...I think that had allot to do with the news events focusing so much on fatalism and the violence of the campus crisis.

Yesterday there was an odd occurrence in the neighborhood which also made me uneasy now that I have had an opportunity to look back and think of the bizarre was a driver seemed to be cruising the neighborhood. Thankfully the security services showed up and addressed the apparent problem.

I began this week correcting my Literary assignment and will do the same tomarrow in an effort to increase accuracy.

Members of my family are traveling tomorrow and that seems to be making me a bit uneasy but I have to remember that everything has been provided to promote the greatest sense of safety.

My pet had a physical today and everything went fine. I just have had an increased sense of anxiety throughout the day despite my efforts to relax.

"We gather strength from sadness and from pain Each time we die we learn to live again." - Unknown

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SPENT AT RESPITE

Today was a day of rest. I am at the moment preparing to watch some live coverage of the Pope.

I have much to do tomorrow and I will begin the day at my usual time. I didn't write yesterday because my Arthritis was quite bad and so I really didn't do much typing. In keeping with that concept, I didn't go to the Pridefest event as I wanted to attend a Chautauqua today on the Scopes Trial from the perspective of the attorney for the Defense.

I like plays and found it to be very good!

The dog was ill today and I cannot seem to find a few things so I imagine that rest in apparently in order as a new week begins shortly.

I watched a lovely documentary on aging today and I felt good about the anxiety that I have about the topic.

Anxiety for many reasons today, and for that matter throughout the weekend appears to be a task at the heart of my thoughts. There is so much to do sometimes and I feel able to take on the world, and then at others everything takes such effort.

In any case I am looking forward to making some new friends this month as I have made some significant steps today at enhancing my social options and outlets.

I got to go out however and when I got home I was able to speak with a very close friend that I have not had the opportunity to chat with in some time! That , was the highlight of my day.

"Pain and death are a part of life. To reject them is to reject life itself." - George Eliot

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A GARDEN TOUR

Today was quite pleasant, and although I was unable to complete some tasks still needing to be done from the day before, I was able to take the opportunity to visit with my relatives and visit an indoor garden.

I enjoyed the experience immensely and I am working on developing an indoor garden habitat which I will be able to hopefully incorporate in my spiritual practice of daily life.

The task seems to provide enjoyment and the plants I have selected should produce easily indoors. It will be my first attempt at herbs however but I am sure all will go as anticipated.

My anxiety was fine during the course of today...but I am finding that as evening rolls around I am having difficulty centering my thoughts on the task of relaxation.

To put it quite bluntly, I am wound up...I believe however that the schedule I have for tomorrow may have a bit to do with it however, for you see I have not yet decided what to wear that will be appropriate for the event.

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I am attending a Pridefest http://www.pridefest.com/ sponsored breakfast held at the Milwaukee L.G.B.T. Center http://www.mkelgbt.org/ .

I am sure it will a non environmentally conscious event because the Center usually uses a plethora of paper plates and a ton of aluminium foil serving dishes.

I for one hate to eat on paper and I cannot stomach the use to Styrofoam or plastic cups unless of course my O.C.D. is on overdrive or I know for a fact that proper commercial dish washing equipment may not be available.

My only hope is that the use of the dreaded paper towel tablecloths is not an option because the only thing worse than that is the plastic table cloth ( plastic cannot be called a cloth like material yet the term still applies to my astonishment).

Anyway, I digress as I usually find myself tolerating such things (which often defy my thought process) as it is time for me to end this entry.

"When the stomach is full it makes no difference whether one is rich or poor." - Euripides inclusified

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MEETINGS & ARTICLES

Today I attended a meeting of local GL.B.T.I.Q. folks sponsored by Interweave http://www.qrd.org/qrd/www/orgs/uua/uu-interweave.html. I must admit I enjoyed myself as the attendees were very pleasant and I was able to enjoy the comradery. All meetings are closed to the public but the work of the Outreach is always accessible to the public.

I spent the day otherwise being rather domestic in my pursuits and I was visited by a very pleasant solicitor for the local telephone service. All in all I felt rather bothered by the fact that what I wanted to achieve today was not accomplished.

"I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; And because I cannot do everything I will not refuse to do the something that I can do." - Helen Keller

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